I must apologize if I'm liable to bite someone's head clean off this next week. No, it has nothing to do with the election. Last weekend I started my liver shrinking diet in preparation for my bariatric surgery on Nov. 14.
For those saying, "what is a liver shrinking diet?," morbidly obese people tend to have fatty livers. So, the surgeon wants patients to shrink their livers prior to surgery because it makes laparoscopic surgery easier to do. It's a low calorie, low carb and low-fat diet that reduces glycogen in the liver.
So, what can I have? Up to four protein shakes a day, some beef or chicken broth along with three cups of non-starchy vegetables. That means, none of the good vegetables like potatoes, corn or peas. It's vegetables like bok choy, asparagus, collard greens, cabbage, onions and mushrooms. I'm a Black man so I love collard greens and onion, but it just seems wrong to eat them without ham hocks in them or a piece of cornbread to go with it.
Eating rabbit food has made me hangry. When you're hungry your blood sugar drops and your brain starts producing adrenaline and cortisol, which heightens your stress levels and irritability. I'm walking around on 9 on the hangry meter. I couldn't watch the Raider game Sunday because it wasn't televised here. Thank goodness. I don't need more stress.
Part of my success in losing weight has been that I refuse to use the d-word (diet.) Diets don't work. It's crazy to think you could restrict your calories for a limited time, lose weight and then go back to how you ate before. It's like thinking you could work out, get into shape and then stop working out.
Another part of my success is telling myself that I can eat anything I want. I don't have restrictions. I don't look at food as bad, but rather I try to make better choices. I look at it this way: if I want to, I could go to Five Guys and order a bacon cheeseburger, large french fries and a big thick chocolate Oreo cream milkshake. That meal would be about 3,500 calories (and cost an arm and a leg.) I could do that but A) I'd feel terrible physically after eating it, B) I wouldn't be able to finish it, and C) I'd see the results on the scale. So, while I could do that, I choose a better option. Just knowing I could do that actually keeps me from doing it. I explained this at a Weight Watchers meeting and everyone looked at me like I was crazy. But it works for me.
That mindset doesn't help me with the liver shrinking diet because there's no way getting around the fact that it's a restrictive diet. And the story of Adam and Eve has taught us the power of forbidden fruit. I saw an Arby's commercial on TV. I haven't eaten at Arby's in years and I don't like Arby's, but watching that ad it was all I could do to keep myself from licking the screen.
I need a stress ball. Perhaps I could use a tennis ball. But I think at this point, I'd throw it at people.
Still, now as I look over the cabbage, cauliflower, broccoli and protein shakes that make up my meals now, I can't help but as Winnie the Pooh says get a "rumbly in my tumbly." There's no meat on this diet so I can't stop thinking about a thick, juicy, medium rare steak from Cattlemens or a plump, grilled chicken breast or a nice piece of pink salmon spritzed with lemon.
To top it off, having this surgery this time of year means no Thanksgiving dinner! The horror! What was I thinking? While you're enjoying a juicy turkey, well-seasoned stuffing, tangy cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie with whipped cream, I'll be enjoying my post-surgery diet of baby food. Well, pureed foods.
I need to punch something. If YouTuber Jake Paul can't go through with the Mike Tyson fight this month, I'll stand in for him. Yep. Lack of food has me crazy enough to get my brains beat in.
And Taco Bell, why did you have to bring back classic nostalgia items like the tostada and caramel apple empanada this month? Really? You're just toying with a brother.
My surgery coordinator told me my liver shrinking diet was supposed to start on Halloween but she thought that was unnecessarily cruel so she started it the day after.
Even though I'm missing carnivore food, it's all for a good cause. I'm getting healthier. After surviving a heart attack, I need to do all I can to live a healthy lifestyle.
But for your health, please don't talk to me until after Nov. 14th. Peace.
Kelvin Wade, a writer and former Fairfield resident, lives in Sacramento. Reach him at [email protected].